8-16-25

Today was absolutely horrible :( I was plagued by VISIONS nearly from the moment I woke up until a few hours before I got into bed. Honestly I think the reason it happened is because I drank caffinated tea and it made my OCD symptoms flare up. All day I was troubled by doubts about Indigo and his role in my life. But my friend, the same one who is so supportive, helped me come down... I came really close to doing something stupid today because I was just so desperate. I want to try to remember how Indigo actually makes me feel, how he has impacted my life, and pay attention to that when doubts arise instead of going off the deep end... no more tea for me.

8-14-25

I have another wonderful friend who actually knows about Indigo and is incredibly supportive and it's... amazing, honestly. I hesitated because I had the urge to say it was shameful... I have a lot of shame about Indigo but as I talk more about him so openly that shame is not going away, but evolving. I don't think it will ever go away. I had another friend tell me that if what I was saying was true, it would be sick... and I think a large part of me agrees with that. It is sick... what he did/ was sick. But I didn't choose to feel this way. I really didn't. It happened to me... but that's not totally true, because I fed it, and allowed it to grow. But I had no choice if I wanted to live a happy life. Because that's what he does for me, he encourages me to be better, to do better. To be the happiest and healthiest I can be. How can he be so bad if THAT is what he brings out of me? If that's what makes me feel closest to him. I used to say all roads led to him, and I still believe that. There is no where I can go and no one I can be that doesn't somehow involve him, and loving him. Is this limiting? This feels like an important question to ask. And I would say it can be, when I allow it. When I leave my issues untreated and let them fester and poison this beautiful connection. And it is so beautiful. It's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Or rather, what came from it is. I feel so much more loving, so much more like myself now, and because of him. It was life-changing for me.

I am once again ill over Indigo... if I'm honest, I want to possess him. I want to be the only one who knows and mourns him besides the people who knew him. When I think of other people hurting for him it makes me venomously jealous. I should... want this. I should want people to understand him. To love him. But I don't. I really don't. And maybe that is wrong of me but I can't help it... much of this I can't really help. I am too far gone in every sense of the term.

8-13-25

Aquarium today! Will update with a picture.

Today was okay! I was a little sad but I got a couple new decks and their messages cheered me up. I need reassurance a lot because of my OCD :( I want to learn to function without it because I feel like it will strengthen my bond with The Divine... I have a friend who calls her higher power "The Everlasting." I strive to be as effortless and faitful as she is. I look up to so many of the people I love. I think I can learn something from each of them. Anyway here is a picture of my favorite turtle at the aquarium! He has a name but I forget what it is. He's very special.

8-11-25

I am sick with grief.